Articles by Arar - Arar Han

The Daechi Moms in Seoul: the Power and Peril of Parental Lemming Behavior

I’m in Seoul right now and I’m a mom. But from what I gather, I’m not a Seoul mom. Seoul moms are… hard to describe. At least in a fair way. You can describe anyone in a judgey way. Understanding is much harder.

Mom in Seoul

I had observed that I was different from the moms I saw at my kids’ schools in Seoul. For starters, I waved goodbye and walked away when I dropped them off, whereas I noticed that many others lingered. I later learned they tended to get coffee together. I joined one time, out of curiosity, but became disinterested in the continuous information exchange about what the kids were all doing in and out of school.

I didn’t call the teachers on their mobile phones all the time; I didn’t even know that I could! What all they talked about I have no idea. I also employed a full-time helper to mind my three children while I worked for my US entity, whereas most of the other moms seemed willingly in or forced into early retirement in service of their single child.

After confirming these broad differences, I stopped trying to figure out what all the other ones were. Then the Daechi mom parody by Lee Sooji hit YouTube, laying bare a veritable treasure trove of others.

Daechi Moms

Daechi is a neighborhood in the affluent Gangnam district of Seoul, known for its abundance of educational resources. Approximately 1,000 non-school educational centers known as hakwon are located there. I had heard that families moved into Daechi and a handful of other popular districts when their children reached school age. I remember speaking to a few other moms about their anxiety on not doing so, and I suppose they found me unsympathetic. But Korea has a standardized curriculum, and the school quality is not so different from area to area, so I failed to see why not moving was experienced as a parental shortcoming. That said, 1,000 hakwons is a lot! Daechi must be a wonderland of choice for afterschool enrichment and homework help. (Sidenote: Every time I hear Daechi I think of Doechii, a top shelf rapper of the moment. That should tell you where my head is.)

I watched the Daechi mom sketch and woooah! So many questions: Why is the Daechi mom sending her two-year-old to math tutoring? (Note: four years old Korean is two or three years old everywhere else.) Why does she keep mixing bad English into her Korean? There are potty training consultants? What’s the deal with the five dollars in the envelope that the Daechi mom gives the tutor she decides not to hire? Why’s she wearing only her long johns under her Moncler coat??

Parodies require that you deeply understand what you’re talking about. The comedian Lee Sooji (who is apparently also my neighbor) knows her stuff cold. I watched her sketch more than five times to understand all its viral insights, and I think I’m maybe about halfway there. Even so, what is abundantly clear to me is this grounding fact: On a cultural level, a great many things are categorized as “pilsoo” - essential - in Korea. This has some consequences.

Pilsootem

In my experience, the “pilsoo” tag is a powerful marketing lever to get people to buy all kinds of things by making them feel unknowledgeable. There’s an unspoken ‘oh you don’t even know this?’ attitude that preys on people’s insecurities around technical knowledge.

This particular weakness isn’t just Korean. There are people vulnerable to this type of sell everywhere - people who, when buying an iPhone, might get talked into getting the pilsoo AirPods and Apple Watch at the same time. Maybe even an iPad or Macbook!

In Korea, this is a widespread phenomenon. There’s even a special term for things that are designated pilsoo: “pilsootem,” a mashup of “pilsoo” and the English word ‘item.’ Going hiking? You’ll find an array of specialized clothing and walking sticks labeled pilsootem, or designated as pilsootem by live attendants. Buying a refrigerator? Good luck! The more technical or academic the subject matter, the more vulnerable the buyer.

Especially when the matter relates to raising one’s child. It all comes to a head with Korean parents trying to educate their only child to compete in the world. In that world, a tremendous number of items and services are deemed to be pilsoo and parents of young children are Open. For. Business. So much so, that in Korea, parents of pre-kindergarteners spend more per kid for tutoring (340k KRW monthly) than parents of high school students do (320k KRW monthly) (2024, Ministry of Education and Bureau of Statistics).

Daechi Pilsoo

What ever is in the basket of pilsoo services for the Daechi mom? There is training for some essential life skills such as pooping in the potty, academic subjects like math, and extracurricular ones like jaegi kicking, kite flying, and similar traditional games made world famous by Squid Game Seasons 1 and 2. Of course, potty training happens in due time, and research has established that the math brain grows in later, but the Daechi mom is eager to use the services available to her and her peer group. Even if the teacher seems barely qualified, as the quack she interviews for the folk games turns out to be.

The reality Lee cleverly lays bare is that the emperor has no clothes. None of this is pilsoo, not by a long shot. Nobody needs to do all this stuff. Moreover, nobody needs to drive a Porsche Cayenne. Nobody needs to wear a Moncler Parnaiba puffer. Nobody needs a Chanel Gabrielle handbag. And yet they are all pilsoo part and parcel of the Daechi mom’s daily life. Why?

Therein lies the next thing one must understand about Koreans on a cultural level: A fierce competitive streak that manifests as a tremendous fear of being left behind. Or, in the opposite, a tremendous desire to gain the slightest of perceived edges, even at enormous marginal cost.

Collectivism a la Korean

When I was a kid in American public school, I learned that “Asian cultures” were “collectivist.” There wasn’t much depth or detail to this lesson, just that the “East” was “collectivist,” and the “West” was “individualist.” I also learned somewhere along the way, though not in this “East vs. West” framing, that in Japan, “the nail that sticks up gets hammered.” I suppose if there were a Korean collectivist expression like that, it would be “those unable to keep up get left behind.”

Just as the Japanese collectivist expression emphasizes a kind of sameness that stamps out any creativity and uniqueness, the Korean one risks a kind of sameness that in today’s brand-driven society leads to buying a lot of stuff. And indeed, Koreans are the world’s biggest luxury spenders, making up a whopping 10% of the topline of labels like Burberry, Moncler, and Prada.

Koreans are clearly doing a fine job keeping up with luxury pilsootem. But the urge to do so is competitive. An individualistic drive to get ahead, but which is collectively practiced! Aspirational lemmingism? A doozy of an East-West mashup if I ever saw one.

Consequences

When you try keep up with the proverbial Joneses (or the Kim Lee Parks, as it were), you end up spending beyond your means. The average household in Korea has a debt load that is approximately twice its income. Korea has a debt to GDP ratio that is second highest in the world (highest is Canada). Clearly nobody would say that this part of the phenomenon is pilsoo, but it is inevitable if everyone follows the luxury pilsoo urge straight off a fiscal cliff.

Also tragic is that much of the pilsoo spending is well-meaning, or perhaps can be characterized as well-meaning. Who wouldn’t want their kid to have all the nice things that the other kids in their neighborhood get? Any parent who loves their child can empathize with the impulse to generously provide. But I wonder: Shouldn’t we be asking the question of whether what we are providing is indeed pilsoo? Perhaps that is the biggest difference between me and the Seoul mom.

This might be easy for me to ask; even though I’m ethnically Korean, I’m an outsider here. I’m looking at Daechi mom through my skeptical American lens, leaning on my ed school cred. And as friends and advisors have noted, I have somewhat of an iconoclastic streak. As I contemplate Lee Sooji’s Daechi mom, I question whether she has any independently held beliefs that drive her individual choices, or whether her collectivist M.O. is simply parental fast followership that vendors of all kinds can exploit to the detriment of household finances everywhere.

Sympathy for Parents

That’s a judgment, and a cutting one at that. Actually, I have deep sympathy for parental lemming behavior. Becoming a parent was the most abrupt step into a knowledge void I have ever experienced. One minute I was pregnant, the next, I was holding a slippery crying micro person in my arms, whom I didn’t even know how to feed or bathe, but for whom I would be responsible every minute of the foreseeable future. The awesome feeling was indescribable in every way.

That wasn’t all. The little person proceeded to develop at an astonishing pace, making any kind of parental mastery of her as a subject, impossible. And yet her father and I, as the solidly type A people we are, were determined to do a great job raising her. You can see the danger in mixing such inexperience with such aspirations. I am not at all confident that had I raised my first daughter in Daechi rather than in Palo Alto, I wouldn’t have spent all my money on tutors and consultants too.

Non-pilsoo Children

In the end, normal pre-k children naturally develop and grow at their own pace, absorb knowledge from their surroundings, and interact with the stimuli they encounter. The thing for parents to do is to nurture these small humans’ feelings and curiosity, accept them for the burgeoning personalities they are, and set reasonable boundaries. These are hard to do well, for any parent ever. But they are free.

In the end, the parental pilsoo spending exemplified by the Daechi mom creates a culture where people feel they cannot afford to have children. Women don’t look at the Daechi mom and think, “I want that life of servitude to my child.” Dads with one child don’t look at her and say, “I want to make enough money to pilsoo spend on another one.” I have heard this again and again: “It’s too expensive to raise a child.”

But does it have to be? Korea has the world’s lowest birthrate; Daechi mom makes it easy to see why.

Hey Nordy’s, you’re losing me

Nordstrom’s loyalty program used to be simple and friendly. Every 2,000 points earned, a “Nordstrom Note” in $20 increments would show up in the mail. A few times a year, Nordstrom would let members earn double or triple points on their purchases.

Then, in 2018, Nordstrom introduced The Nordy Club, with a number of changes which are best described by The Points Guy. TPG hails the changes as “spend more get more,” and airline and hotel program-like: positives, for him. The program certainly got more complex which for TPG might be good news.

For me? I don’t want to be in another loyalty program rat race. I put up with United’s and Marriott’s points systems and their myriad rules because I am a frequent traveler. Travel has many frictions, and keeping up with the U’s and M’s status tiers means smoother travel and better odds of flexibility and support when things go wrong. That said, I have a certain feeling of dread when I consider U and M. The programs are clearly designed to optimize U’s and M’s revenue, to benefit the company. They’re not designed for me.

That’s why when I received from The Nordy Club an announcement on changes to its program, I had a sinking feeling. Here are the top benefits they listed as changing:

These must be thought to inspire a sense of excitement upon receipt. Instead, my eyes glazed over:

I don’t know how I became an “Influencer” member, nor what that means. I imagine there’s probably a spending tier involved. (Having not shopped at Nordstrom for more than a year, I would be surprised if “Influencer” was higher than the bottom tier.)
I’m not sure what a “Spend & Get” is. I have a vague notion, but no real clue.
Three personal double point days vs. two personal triple point days clearly is not a benefit designed for the shopper. The logic is so obvious it’s a little embarrassing for the designers of these program changes. Clearly they want me to come in three times instead of two times, and they want to give me two points per dollar spent rather than three points. Sorry — that doesn’t sound like a good deal!
$10 notes instead of $20 notes is also painfully obvious. I suppose if people get $10, then it’s an easy way to lure people into a Nordstrom store where most undoubtedly they’ll spend more than the effective $10 coupon.

Sorry, but these benefits don’t benefit me; they benefit you, Nordy’s.

A winning retailer’s value proposition is to provide attractive goods at an opportune time and at a price that the shopper is willing to pay. These days, American shoppers of fashion and accessories have so much choice. There are attractive goods seemingly everywhere. And so it seems retailers are focusing on increasing ‘usage’ as they say: getting people who are already shopping at their stores to come in one more time then they otherwise would. That’s not a value proposition, and it’s anti-competitive. It’s what you do when you don’t feel good about your value prop.

I’m particularly sad about this because Nordstrom has historically done an excellent job of finding good products and presenting them in insightful groupings — not by brand, but by shopper themes such as Point of View and Via C. The company had a real commitment to its merchant organization, which worked to match product selection with local demand at each of its mainline stores. Its decision to manage its floor its own way rather than putting in brand shops meant that if a brand didn’t have a good season, it could pare back. It could also introduce new brands easily, since it managed the floor rather than turning over floors to various brands. (For other cool aspects of the historical Nordstrom way, read my HBS case.)

Walking around a Nordstrom was and is more fun than walking around a Macy’s or Bloomingdale’s, even as it hasn’t changed its floors that much. The reason is that its competition has largely embraced branded floors. Walk into a Bloomie’s women’s fashion floor like this newly built one. The store has seemingly become a mall of typical branded goods, each with dedicated space. Yawn.

So what? you might ask. So sadly, American shoppers don’t get to experience the wonder that great department stores still are. I wonder what would happen if The Hyundai in Korea decided to open a US location in a high density city. Hyundai is super exciting, full of fascinating products and with the dynamic energy that engaged shoppers bring. Just look:

It really is a modern “Ladies’ Paradise,” to take the dated and gendered expression from Zola. And because it has real strengths in its core value proposition, it doesn’t have to double down on a loyalty program with stupid benefits.

Helping a fellow shopper (Bed Bath & Beyond)

Yesterday morning, I got an email from Bed Bath & Beyond asking me to answer a question a customer had asked about an item I bought.

I have never received a request like this from a site I shop, and felt somewhat intrigued. I clicked the “Answer this question” link, which popped up this window from a BazaarVoice URL.

The asked question was a bit of a head scratcher. First, there are three sizes, not just one. And the sizes are found right on the product page, here:

The product page also shows some pictures of the product in use…

So the question seems borne of careless reading, and maybe results in a little bit of wasted time for everyone. Offering a question box often results in people going there first, rather than the product description. While this generates some useless activity, it probably also results in good SEO activity for Google/Bing to track.

But I can also see why “Bernard” was confused about the sizing. Frankly, I was too.

For starters, the sizes aren’t stated right at the top of the description. The description overall seems a bit thrown together, rather than thoughtfully composed. For example, why not combine “Machine wash” with “Reusable, withstands 300-500 washes,” and also eliminate “reusable” since something that is washable is presumably reusable?

The photos also don’t indicate which size is being shown, which is not good.

Out of curiosity, I decided to look up the same product on Amazon.com. There’s a lot more going on in this picture, what with the Visa Card plug and the Prime trial. But it successfully answers the question that brought me down this path in the first place: “What is [the] size?”

I’m not a fan of Amazon the company, but I think this product page is superior to Bed Bath and Beyond’s. Why? Because it enables the shopper to make an informed decision with almost all the relevant information provided right up front (some bullet points are cut off in my above snip). As an added plus, Amazon offers five colors — nice!

So maybe Bed Bath and Beyond could upgrade their page to be more helpful in the purchase decision. I presume that in the time it took to wait for an answer to his question, “Bernard” likely found the same product on another site — like Amazon. Or maybe Bed Bath and Beyond is going for SEO value with the prominent question center.

If they are, I’d strongly recommend focusing more on building a better product page. Better to make the actual sale than rank higher on Google…

Wait, you WANT me to go to Amazon? (Williams-Sonoma)

I have been trying to shop bricks and mortar retail more. Honestly, when the store is well curated, well organized, and staffed with well trained people, it’s a wonderful experience. I’m also trying to not shop on Amazon.com when I have good alternatives. Some reasons are found in this rather long first hand account.

At the same time, shopping American retail can be a trying experience. Today’s trip to Williams-Sonoma ranks among the worst I have recently had. It wasn’t a disaster, and I ultimately walked out with what I intended to buy. But it still managed to be a 2/5 star visit. Here’s why:

My online order was not ready at the store, apparently because ‘the system’ was down at the store. It’s nice that the option to pick up at the store is available. When it works. I estimate the visit took about 30 minutes, in large part due to the IT issue. I’m not sure where the responsibility lies — maybe with the systemwide IT support?
The store staff couldn’t locate what I bought. Because the store couldn’t access my order on their ‘system,’ I showed my emailed receipt. There were two items I had bought. One was readily found. The other… took some waiting. And waiting… And some more. Then the woman searching gave up and the other woman involved said I would receive a refund. So the latter wrote down my order information, i.e., since the system was down. The former then suggested that I go to Amazon. (!?!?) At this point, I thought perhaps the website didn’t have the correct store inventory position.
On the way out, I found the missing item. A pile of them, neatly organized on a shelf. (Frankly they were where I would stock them, if I were in charge of the store.) Both women took note of where it was, seemingly for future reference. I was surprised though that neither seemed sorry nor embarrassed. (Maybe it isn’t their job to know the store?) This one rests completely with store-level management.
An LTO I wanted to use was deemed not applicable to a third item that I chose while waiting. Williams-Sonoma had emailed me a one-day offer of 20% off everything except for a list of big brands. I chose a small consumable that I had forgotten to purchase in my online-to-store purchase. At the register, one woman informed me that the offer was not valid on my purchase. But when I looked on the website, it was. We cancelled the purchase, and the other woman re-rang it up. Again, no apology or even an oops… No awareness of the limited time offer itself either. Maybe the central marketing organization did not tell the store about the offer? Or maybe they did but the store staff didn’t read the notice? Hard to tell.

Williams-Sonoma, I noticed that you are suing Amazon for copying you. I doubt you are going to sue your employees too for sending your shoppers to buy stuff that you have inside your stores at Amazon instead. But maybe you should train them better. If I may, here’s what I hope all store associates know beyond knowing how to ring up sales:

Knowing your merchandise, and where it is. A simple weekly quiz would suffice, I’d imagine. It could be fun — top scores could receive treats or special discounts. The point is to inspire some curiosity about the wares you/they sell.
Knowing your promotional offers, and where they apply. This could be easy. Before an employee hits the shop floor, a quick bulletin they can scan with their eyes so they are not caught unawares.
Knowing when to mea culpa. When I leave, I’d like to feel like the store staff cares that I had a good experience. Ultimately, I think that’s what store teams are responsible for. If I don’t, like today, I’d like to be acknowledged. Otherwise, why would I feel the desire to go back? …I could just shop at Amazon.

As I left Williams-Sonoma, I had the thought that the service I received could well have been replaced by a self-checkout terminal. And that is a terrifying prospect for the 16 million retail workers in the U.S. To protect and grow their jobs, I believe retail workers should demand better training — especially training on things that only people can do.

Training is never easy, especially in a low wage, high turnover environment. But good store level training is perhaps the best defense against Amazon. It’s also the best proprietary way that I know to organically increase revenue.

Well Williams-Sonoma, I’m not sure when I’ll be back. Good luck and good night.

I received a customer experience survey from Williams-Sonoma by email later in the evening. I summarized the above and sent it in, and I received the following response the next day:

Hello [me],

Thank you for contacting Williams-Sonoma.

Please allow me to sincerely apologize for the experience you’ve had when visiting our [location] retail store location. Because your concerns involve one of our retail stores, we are forwarding this information to the attention of our Retail Store Management. They will ensure that this information is forwarded to the appropriate leadership individuals for their review and follow-up.

Please know that Williams-Sonoma, Inc. is committed to providing our customers with superior products and world class service. We truly appreciate the time you took to share this feedback, and you can expect to receive a response to your concerns in a timely manner. Thank you again, and please feel free to contact us with any other questions.

Warm regards,
[name withheld]

Not bad. The nature of the problems at the store makes me think that they won’t be fixed easily, but it’s nice to know that they do read and respond to feedback. And a sincere sounding apology is always nice. 4/5 in my view.

Where has my RPU gone? (United 1K travails)

United has an increasing array of rules for passengers and people who are part of their MileagePlus program. I get the impression that sometimes, they’re a little too hard for the various teams at United to keep up with.

In this instance, I found that using one 1K benefit (the ability to change flights free of charge within 24 hours of takeoff) through the United app caused another benefit (an upgrade request using a Regional Premier Upgrade RPU certificate) to fall off my reservation and disappear. And nobody could help prior to takeoff.

Here’s my exchange with United’s 1K desk, submitted through the comment intake page at United.com.

This evening I boarded a 5pm flight from EWR to SFO. I was originally booked on the 6, and it’s nice that the app enabled me to switch so easily, as my business concluded early in NYC. Less nice is that the RPU upgrade that I had requested somehow fell off my reservation. It remained deducted from my account, but was no longer attached to my itinerary. I hope your IT team fixes this. The ability to change flights without charge within 24 hours is an elite benefit, as are RPUs and GPUs grants. Why does the system force me to give up the uncleared upgrade request when switching a flight? I’ll never know whether mine would or would not have cleared. But two passengers’ requests did clear and I wonder if one would have been mine. Secondly, when I called the 1K desk about 20 hours before boarding, the woman I spoke with told me that the lost RPU could be reattached by the attendant at boarding. The gate agent was not be able to do anything. How disappointing.

United wrote back the next morning. Pretty good response time, I’d say.

Dear (me):

I appreciate you taking the time to share your comments with us. We work hard to consistently provide superior service.

Your constructive comments give us an opportunity to correct problems that may not have otherwise come to our attention. Because we value your concerns, they have been forwarded to our management team to assist them as we continue to make positive changes within our company.

Again, we always welcome your comments, questions or ideas at united.com/feedback . As a Premier 1K member, thank you for choosing United and MileagePlus.

Regards,

(name withheld)

MileagePlus® Service Center

I was wondering how they’d handle my message, as nobody in the Service Center would have any power over the back end system or the takeoff process at the gate. I think this is a 4/5 star reply.

For a while the Service Center used to hand out what I call ‘I’m sorry miles’ if I offered similar kinds of feedback. It was interesting to see what remarks merited how many miles. I think this note works better.

What would make this an outstanding experience is if someone got back to me and told me that the problem was fixed. And what would totally floor me is if at that point, United offered a thank-you gift — maybe another RPU cert, especially one that actually clears before takeoff!

A girl can wish.